Saturday, January 1, 2011

Butterfly In Reverse

I've been having trouble trying to tap into the ethereal realm where I have always kept a part of me. Articulation speaks louder in action yet in some backward falling motion the sentimental notion arises that "the butterfly in reverse here is me."

I've been in reflection mode. Not the kind of reflection where two mirrors facing each other with a flame between them create some grand and glorious infinite sparkle, but the other kind of reflection... the kind where you sit in front of the fire and face into the mirror gazing deeply into the darkest shadows of your silhouette.

I've come away with a small token of appreciation for the hardships and heart-ache this past year has brought me. A tiny smudge of gold powder has been marked across the bridge of my nose signifying what the past few weeks of reflecting has given me. It was by far the most difficult and painful year of my entire life, but I can hardly count it as the worst. It was certainly my most lived, my most felt, my most adventurous, and without a doubt... my best yet.

In strange places I have met incredible people, in familiar places I have lost the same. I have closed off and I have opened up, I have learned that being open is always better. I have experienced divinity and bliss only to touch the face of ugliness and let its violence embrace me with torment and rage. I have tasted the bitter and the sour and have learned to savor the sweet. I have floated and I have sunk, I have tread the stillest of water and been crushed by oceanic waves. I have been in the valley in awe and admiration of the great mountains, and I have stood atop the tallest peaks I could get to, to lose myself in the marvel of a span of a horizon more vast than I had ever imagined. I have been empty and full and both at once. I have loved. I have lost. I have feared. I have skated. I have fallen. I have broken. I have mended. I have scarred. I have laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed. I have triumphed, completely intact, dreams and all.

Sometimes it's necessary to be a butterfly in reverse. Here's to the grand adventure and it's continued existence. *raises glass*

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