Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'm just fine here, finding me.

This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when you happen to let people in your life who tear you down. This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when you lose yourself inside of another persons cadence. No. More. Of. That. God, have I learned NOTHING in the past four years!!?!!?!

Sad thing is that it is another person's cadence that has reminded me of my own. But as June would say, "that's what we call a friend." So I will not focus my attention on the this minor triviality because what I know is true is not linked to the catalyst of this spiritual autolysis. Of this I am certain.

I've lacked authenticity for a while now. And also, a backbone.

I think I thought that just because I wasn't lying to myself on a grand scale as I did in my marriage that it was all good, but the self discoveries I'm making this week scream at me the truths long ago buried.

The difficulty is in the wall between me and the burial ground.

Some self imposed blocking mechanism. I can't articulate what I don't know. Yet.
For example:
I can't define ecstasy. I have two opposing visions. But do they really oppose? Probably not. I've been in a similar place before. I fear what I find when I find the courage to go deeper.

So why can't I define it? I'll tell you why.

Because I've never known it. Not by the construct presented to me as unmitigated joy across all levels of experience, whether through another or any other method. And still the notion, the very idea ... of Aletheia resting, it stops me cold and warms me on a some sub-atomic level. From where I am this appears to me as my primary objective. To study this, to find this, to understand this, to create this.

Perhaps it always was, perhaps I forgot, perhaps I wanted to forget. Perhaps there's no perhaps about it. Fear does terrible things to the already miserable state of the inescapable human condition, does it not?

More to come, very soon. Assuredly. I've been holding back for far too long... and that's only the beginning of the problem.

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