Sunday, January 15, 2012

Circumstance

Muscular Dystrophy is a bitch.  It's a real bitch.  If you haven't donated to this cause, you should.  Here, let me make it easy for you: http://www.mdausa.org/

This year I've watched two very special ladies die long and painful deaths due to this heart-breaking, lung-stopping disease.  Unable to use any of their limbs, these twins shared a smile and spread a light so thick it could stop strangers in their tracks.

Neither of them would want me to sit around and mope about their passing.  They would be angry if they knew just how deeply affected I have been by this loss.  Especially the one who's hand I held for the past few days. 

She couldn't change her circumstances but she always kept a watchful eye on her attitude.  I have envied her that small token of happiness, even knowing the depths of despair she had to cross to get there.  It wavered as much as anyone's, don't get me wrong, but her circumstances were by far much more tragic than mine.

I have been so prone to bitterness and hostility lately.  I can't fathom a way away from this rage.  I've considered a multitude of options ranging from suicide to giving my children up for adoption.  Horrible, I know, but I'm not here to convince you of my awesomeness, my wellness, or to sell you a bunch of crap.  If you want inorganic bullshit I recommend Deepak or some other light propagating, profit manifesting tool. 

What I'm driving at here is that my friends death has impacted me in some unexpected ways.  If she could overcome the horrors of her circumstance then surely I can overcome mine, and you yours.  Why it took losing her to figure it out is beyond me. 

If I had to form an excuse it would be that raising three kids on top of a full time work and school schedule keeps me too damn busy to pay attention to the obvious.  I'm always looking for the less obvious.  Clearly, this obliviousness to the obvious is something I should work on.  I guess I'll throw that shit on the list with overcoming my fear of success and getting my paper written... perhaps I'll find time between work and my biopsy tomorrow.  Or maybe I'll go tanning instead.  I'm suffering from some serious UV deficiency.

Tasty morsels in tiny bites.  Circumstances are unavoidable and totally recoverable. *deep breath in*  Let's try this again.   

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