Sunday, January 1, 2012

Intuition and Romance

I'm much too much distraught today to talk it any other way but the way that it is, and that's straight. 

One line.  Two points. Boom.

There's a voice, some of us seldom listen to, that comes from some deep, wise, and unknown corner of our being.  Some call it intuition.  Some call it god.  Some call it psychosis.  Some mistake it sometimes for one or the other or something else entirely.  I do.  All the time.  I've found my most commonly used mantra this year is "Intuition is not psychosis."   I've had this on repeat, and I think it's finally working.

Upon realizing from that deep, wise, unknown corner of my gut that the fellow I've been seeing for the last couple of months really isn't the right fellow for me I attempted to break it off at which point he grew pushy, impatient, and mean.  Then he began to harass me for the remainder of the day until I decided I couldn't allow it to continue and if he wasn't going to respond appropriately to kindness that I would have to play dirty to get him to leave me alone.

I hate hurting people.  I really do.  But if I didn't get nasty with him he wasn't ever going to go away and I was starting to fear that he was going to show up here all irate and whatnot, so I did what I needed to do to ensure the safety and well being of myself, my children, and my property.  So right now out there in the world there is someone seething with hatred for me.  Someone who is angry, and hurt, and heartbroken... and I did that, and I don't feel good about it. Mostly because the things he said in anger rang with truth, even though they were based on the lies I told to get him to stop calling. There's really no way around it, I feel like shit today.  I feel like certifiable shit and I'm not sure anything but time can make me feel better about what I've done.

I need to figure out why I seem to attract this sort of thing into my life so I can figure out how to stop.  It's a shame my intuition won't give me a place to start, or that I can't see it, either way.... Here's to a new year, and not starting it off with the wrong people in your life.  So with a sideways smile and an uncertain hope - Happy New Year, folks!

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