Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Love you madly carrot cake

Seriously, love this cake madly.  As madly as the band, and more than the "real deal".

I shaved about, oh, I dunno... 5 medium sized carrots.  Threw 'em in the food processor with enough walnuts to cover them, four dates (pitted, not peeled), a sprinkling of cinnamon and a slice of ginger.  FullyRawKristina used turmeric and about three times the amount of everything, but I didn't have a pound and a half of dates to spare so I cut her recipe drastically and it still made enough for a 9 inch pan full.

I also subbed a drizzle of maple syrup and some milled flax seeds to make up for the lack of dates.

No measuring needed.  I hate measuring, even with the cute nesting doll cups that my tall, dark, and handsome bought me last week. 

For the frosting I used some leftover cream cheese frosting I used on my raw cinnamon rolls Sunday.  Basically it was a cup of soaked cashews, vanilla, the juice of half a lemon, and the tiniest bit of maple syrup

Well that shit got hard in the fridge, so I put it back in the blender with the juice of two oranges, hoping to turn out a nice orange cream fluffisting.  No go.  I got an orange cashew smoothie with the consistency of milk.

Lesson learned.  I did some googling for thickeners suitable for raw foodists and turned up no great fix.

I spooned in some raw, organic creamed honey.  Local, too, so YAY.  and that did jack and shit to help.

So I tried coconut oil.  Jack and shit really seemed to be loving me, because they stuck around long after they'd over-stayed their welcome.

I said, "well... fuck it.  When all else fails turn to the cold."  *insert one of my depressing, more poetic lines here*

A half hour in the freezer and a good stirring later I had perfect frosting. 

Boom. Carrot Cake.  And I love it madly.

Tall, dark, and handsome does too, so the lesson-already-learned there is to eat fast while it lasts. ;)

No burrito, no cry

Sticking with the theme of naming my raw recipes after music, I made the most satisfying burritos last night after working 24 hours in a 32 hour period on a mere 5 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period.  Yes, I'm pretty sure my employer is trying to kill me, but I agreed to the ridiculous hours so I can't say that legitimately.

Needless to say I was wiped the fuck out, and STARVING.  I wasn't expecting much.  I figured it'd taste pretty much like a salad in wrap made out of more salad.  I'm happy to say, that once again I was wrong. I adapted the recipe from a youtube video by FullyRawKristina of Rawfully Organic in Houston TX. 

Credit where it's due, I'd've never, ever come up with this one on my own. 

A few weeks ago we had to make a super fun run to the apple store to deal with a broken Ipod.  Anyone who has ever been in an apple store can probably relate to the severe emotional draining we felt by the time the ordeal had ended.  Looking around the food court our options were limited so we settled on Chipotle and Smoothie King.  I was excited to make my cooked portion of foods for the week a burrito because quite frankly I'd been craving one since I kicked the cooked.  (I'm not shooting for 100% raw, I'm a realist and still quite the dairy addict). 

Smoothie King was awful by the way.  I'll probably never ever stand in line for one of their nasty, overly sweetened power protein, pre-frozen mushes in a cup again.  Anyway, I'd been somewhat obsessed with finding a good raw burrito since my old favorite left me feeling something just beyond sluggish.

Enter - No burrito, No Cry.  Thank you Bob Marley. 

And FullyRawKristina.

And my boyfriend's guitar.

And his knife wielding super powers.  He was my sous chef after all. 

First you whip up what Kristina calls "awesome sauce."  Now, I've been using awesome sauce for years, but it wasn't this.  I'll let you use your imagination here, just keep it near the gutter if you wanna get it right.  ;)

This version (which is awesome in an entirely different way) and altered to fit my kitchen meant blending a few spoonfuls of tahini, an orange bell pepper, an entire zucchini, the juice of three lemons, and a few shakes of cumin and Himalayan pink sea salt until it was creamy.  About five minutes in my POSter. 

While I was whipping up my awesome sauce I had my tall, dark, and handsome washing, chopping, and shaving things.  Lots of things.

Bell Peppers, cucumber, avocado, carrots, celery, lemony blend greens, purple onion, green onion, and tomato.

I don't care for cilantro so we didn't use it, but Kristina did.

I do care for hot peppers, but we didn't have any on hand.

She used some alfalfa sprouts, I used spicy sprouts, "a tangy blend of radish and clover" sprouts.

After de-stemming a few collard leaves, you simply throw down some awesome sauce and spread it around.  Then you pile on the veggies and pretend to be better at wrapping burritos than you really are. 

As Kristina said, eating this thing is a whole other experience.  She was right.  It reeeeally is.

And I really can't put it any better than that.

It was amazing.  This recipe will definitely become a standard around here.  You know, providing the world economy doesn't come to a screeching halt and leave us all fighting over the last cheerio.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Sunset strip bitch juice

Named this one after an eve 6 tune and the original (but slightly altered) recipe that I found somewhere on the interwebs and managed to jot down on the back of one of my student loan "pay up, bitch" envelopes and not lose.  Organization is still not my strongest suit.

Anywhooooooo It's not too sweet or acidic or tart or any of those other things I've been overdosing on lately.  It's just sweet enough to do a delightful power dance between my tastebuds while still packing enough veggies to make me feel like I could outrun one of the kids should I so desire.

It turned out a pretty orangish red, which is slightly different from reddish orange.  The lil' bit of foam on top was more orange than the actual juice, and really that's pretty much all you can see in the picture, but it's late and I have much more juices to make, and raw burritos to prep for tomorrow. In any event it reminded me of a sunset enough to stick with part of the original title and incorporate an old song that emotes pretty much the same hued vibe.  At least for me.  I still maintain that the most beautiful thing about music is it's subjective stronghold over individual experiences.

Enough yammering.  Here's what's in it.

1 Large sweet potato
1 Enormous Purple carrot
1 Medium Red Bell Pepper (minus several bites, don't judge)
1 Beet (I'd go with one medium, half a large, or two tiny ones depending on your tolerance for the taste of dirt... I still don't particularly care for beets unless they are masked heavily with fruit, usually pineapple)
3 Apples (of the sweet variety, unless you wanna tart things up a bit... I need mellow, so I used sweet)
and 1 orange.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Letter to a patronizing nurse

Dear patronizing nurse,

I understand that your need to feel in control is out of your control, and I understand that belittling others makes you feel better about yourself.  I don't think you understand how convoluted either of these attributes are.  I'll try to keep your perspective in mind as I explain, but I must admit that will be a very difficult task because I've never shared a mindset such as yours, nor have I harbored a heart so excoriated that it simply must infect others.

When you exhibit your need to hold power over other people you do not actually hold any power at all, except for showing everyone how insecure you are underneath your impenetrable need to cling to control.  When you outwardly chide and ignore people who only want to work with you to create an optimal work environment you don't display authority, you display pettiness and immaturity and help to promote a work environment that is not enjoyable for anyone. 

While I recognize that you may derive some minuscule pleasure out of doing and saying things to other people that are rude, inappropriate, hurtful, and condescending I truly believe that your brain would release even more "happy chemicals" if you opened up the brick wall surrounding your heart and let a little love in.  You might find that you make real friends out of your co-workers instead of people who smile at you and then talk about how disgusted they are with you behind your back. 

As for the belittling comments you're always making either with a piercing giggle, or under your breath:  This is primary school behavior, and it's extremely unbecoming.  Putting other people down, or in a lesser position than you, even if only in your mind, to lift yourself up is one of the most counter-productive human behaviors, because everyone who sees you doing this automatically lessens their value of your character and integrity.  This is why most people grow out of it after high-school if not before.

We are all here for the primary purpose of earning a paycheck, but this is not any ordinary field of business, this is long-term care.  This is more than just another paycheck.  It's more than doing x to get y.  It's more than an assembly line, or a department store, or logistics firm.  This is a place where people come to receive CARE in the most difficult and trying times of life.  Often, this is where people spend the last few years, months, weeks, and moments of their life. For these individuals in particular, this place is their final act, and you play the role of the oblivious jester so well that I'm not sure that you even know that's the role you're playing.  I'm not saying don't have fun while you're at work, I'm just saying it would be prudent if you would find a more respectful and caring way to go about it.

If you intend to continue treating people with such blatant disrespect. that is your choice, but do so with the knowledge that every moment you live you are creating your legacy, and so far your legacy only resembles the fecal matter lingering in the dumpsters out back. 

The universal law of unattractive bitches.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Timeless transformations

Poetry and I go through spells where we just don't get along.  It wrecks my life and I wreck its legacy.  This is one of those times.  In the meantime, I've gone raw.  By that I mean, I'm only eating raw plants foods.

So I was hunting a particular recipe this morning for a scrumptious marinara that I tried earlier in the month.  The search was futile, I turned up nothing useful in the rainforests worth of papers cluttering up my home.  So I decided to keep track of my rawnesses in a safer place... Enter The Internet. *insert forced, but maniacal loling here* 

Without the creative drive to invent a new blog, with a new title, and a new username, and a new everything I decided to use this barren wasteland for something other than a place to hang my darker side.

After all, I'm transforming my entire life, I may as well transform my blog, too.  It seems only fair.  Or right.  Or easier.  Or all of the above.

So far (about three weeks in) I feel great.  Physically I feel top notch.  Emotionally,  however, that's been another story. For the last week or so I've been so moody that I can hardly stand myself.  I've been hostile, irritable, bordering violent, even suicidal (as if that's unusual or something).  Anyway, it may have been delayed PMS coupled with detoxification, that's my best guess anyway.  I have no idea what really happened, or why, but I'm starting to recover. This morning I actually smiled for no reason, and it wasn't a terribly good morning, the kids were late to school for the first time this year, I'm bleeding like a stuck hog, and there was some super intense sibling conflict, too.  Sooooo.... we shall see. There's a certain amount of promise lingering in the air.

Anyway, the point is to keep track of shit.  So here's the shit I'm tracking today.

Modified Butternut Cous-Cous with Curried sauce.

I do *not* own a fancy pants blender that will turn even the hardest coconut meat to a fine puree, free from all chunkiness. So my sauces, puddings, soups, etc... all come out on the side of the texture spectrum that doesn't agree with my sensitivity to texture.

Despite this small problem, I made some soup.

I chopped up a butternut squash in my food processor, to a cous-cous like consistency.  Then I removed about 2/5 of that and put it aside.

One mango, 2 cups of fresh OJ, 2 cups of water, and 2 TBSPs of curry, and a few minutes of blending later I had "soup".

It was terrible, mostly due to the awful texture.

Then I threw a couple handfuls of walnuts and a a couple handfuls of pecans into the magic chopping machine until they were pretty much dust.  I mixed that in with the cous-cous looking squash I'd reserved from the pre-soupified butternut. Next, I threw in some craisins.

It was not too bad but it was D-R-Y.  I'm sorry, but even at my most suicidal I don't want to go out choking on some dry ass butternut/walnut blend.

So I thought, what the hell... I'll put them together.

And lo, it was good!  Not just kinda good.  It was a flavor fest of awesome.  Divine.

I've gotta say, my favorite thing about my new diet is that it's not an exact science.  I just chop, toss, blend, and juice.  It's earthy.  It's random. It's delicious.  It's awesome.  Not to mention, my skin's clearing up, my breathing is improved (despite continuing my nasty smoking habit), my intestines are happy for the first time in my ENTIRE life, my dizzy spells are GONE, my energy levels are off the charts, I need far less sleep, and apparently... I am already glowing.

Glowing is good, I think.  Unless you're radioactive, then it's only good if it comes with superpowers, but I'm starting to feeeeeeel like the hulk, so that's all good... until you make me mad anyway.  Then it's just as scary.