Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Tracing lines on our eroded shore

Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Where there's hope, there's destitution.
Where there's love, there is destruction.
Where there's liberation, there is imprisonment.

Reading things where there are not things to be read

Reading my fuckedupedness where there is only my fragmented heart
Reading paralyzing fear where there is only courage to have come this far
Reading idiotic decisions where there is but survival
Reading bitch in my open wounds
Reading apathy in the ash where there is a burning ember of hope
Reading obtuseness in my attempts to understand
Reading selfishness in my greatest sacrifice
Reading lies in my deepest truth
Reading blame in equal guilt, on every end from mine to yours and yours to mine.
Ignoring the only promise kept in a world where the very earth is made up of broken ones.
Ignoring how the shapes of things change completely in a world where you might actually return the love I've had to bury.
Ignoring how it turns the tiniest speck of dust into a shimmering flake of gold
Ignoring how it turns the dull light of an ordinary street lamp into the sun itself
Forgetting how I'm not meant for such a world, that the brightness of it is too blinding
Forgetting how to celebrate the thing
Forgetting how to cherish the thing
Forgetting how to hold the thing
Forgetting the fragility
Forgetting who I am.
Pretending I am more.
Pretending I am stronger.
Pretending I can rise above.
Pretending I can make the most of nothing.
Every single second
Hits like brick against my skull.

You can't outrun what you leave undone.
Throwing a towel on a fire only makes the flame grow.
Even if the towel is the size of a blanket.
And the blanket is sopping wet with the waters from our ocean of collective tears.

You lit the match. 
You put our iron in the fire
and me in the trash.
So I spit gasoline from my dustbin and let it burn.

I pulled the trigger
But you,
you loaded the gun

When it comes to drawing lines, the lines are clearly drawn.
They wash away, every single day.
Because this is not who we are,
This is what we become when we can't be together.

How it has always been
How it may always be
Because I won't drag you through a place you can't stand to be.
And I need to be loved for me
So I don't spend my whole life trying to be "she"
And always faltering in the process
Giving my children the gift of watching me drown
And a another man who doesn't want them around

I have no right to a broken heart
You have no right to be angry
What's it matter what rights we have
When everything in the world is wrong

Living every moment to understand a thing
Dying a question mark anyway

So I'll try to work on my evolution
And you can work on yours

And maybe we can let it go
Or maybe we can let it grow
Or maybe we will never know
Anything but this

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